A beautiful mess

I’m literally on day 4 of my mindfulness course and something really crazy happened today.

I was standing in the kitchen, trying to just pay attention, and suddenly it was like my perception shifted. And in the moment of that shift, I SAW the kitchen differently. And I saw that it was a mess. And what’s more, it bothered me.

You’re thinking: “Your giant breakthrough is that you realized your kitchen was messy?” I know, it sounds ridiculous.

But my entire life I have been a messy person. I shower and throw my towel on the floor. My dinner plate stays where it is until I decide to clean it later. The only times I deep clean are for other people: when I think my spouse can’t bear it anymore or when we are going to have company over. And it doesn’t bother me! I can sit in a room filled with mess and barely even notice it.

But today I looked at the kitchen and suddenly, it was like a switch flicked in my brain and the disorder of it popped out into crystal clear view.

I did not realize my high tolerance for mess was another symptom of being disconnected with my body and my environment. I did not realize that it was yet another thing that wasn’t some curious aspect of my personality, but instead a symptom of my trauma.

I swear to God, I shed tears. It felt like a watershed moment. To perceive disorder and to be genuinely, personally bothered by it. It was a brand new feeling. A sensation that I have literally never experienced.

Of course, the moment I finished crying, I realized this was a complete double-edged sword. Because now I’ve just given my inner critic a whole new thing to complain about: that things are messier than I thought they were.

Perhaps that is something that will shift in time too. But for now:

bless this mess

Bless the mess in my house and the mess that is me. And I bless the mess that is all of you as well.

 

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